50 shades of Grey: How to remove this Awfulness from my mind

My review: 50 shades of grey I feel compelled to write this review to warn you about this book. If you are feeling particularly horny and need an erotic novel standby then yeah I would suggest this, but if you're looking for something that attempts to investigate the labyrinth of human sexuality then this is definitely not it! I bought this book because I expected intelligent characters that touches on a bit more maybe a sneak into the of human personality that drives us to explore the shades of grey that encompass playing with both the dark and erotic, looking for something that begins to touch on the actual feral nature of sexuality and our struggle to contain or tame it , trying to understand these shades of grey. However you are left with a strong desire to bind and gag yourself and beat yourself senseless for even bothering to read this book and the fuckedupness of the 50 shades of Mr. (Rapist) Grey. The name is deceiving, I expected something delicious, nice snippets into the darkness and of human sexuality. Instead I found a poorly written novel by some woman probably expressing her deepest unfulfilled bizarre sexual desires. By the tone of this book, I would've assumed that the author is either (a). A virgin or (b). A bisexual male. The reasons for this is because of her lack of any reasonable knowledge of female sexuality. In the book we find out that Ms. Anastasia is indeed a virgin, her wantonness and insatiable sexual need for Mr. Grey (50 shades) may simply be explained by her lack of sexual knowledge of any kind. Her character is described as being intelligent but in reality she seems nothing more than an insatiable little sex addict who experiences her first Fuck and simply wants more! Furthermore the extremely gorgeous Mr. Grey obviously has rapist tendencies ( the description of him is suitable for the AXE commercials where women are obviously drawn to cannot get enough of males who wear axe) Seriously it is as ridiculous as that. Even within the depth and darkness of bondage and domination at least there should be some reality. These characters are completely UN-realistic , worse than B-grade porn. I really would like a refund. I admit I read it until the end searching and hoping for a bit of something tangible, intellectually stimulating, even a small taste but Ms. E.L. James continues to disappoint and dish out a wildly boring but eloquently written series of repetitive cliched pornographic scenes. I Wikipedia it to find out the ending. My inner goddess and my conscience both threw up and decided to bitch slap me into next year for wasting my time with this novel. Gosh I need to go back to my love and cholera or at least wander back into the world of the real Tess...

A plea for Human Rights

This is graphic and difficult to watch, but it is a wake up call to the West. It is time that we stopped hiding form the issues that we cannot face and finally do something about it. As we go on with our everyday life it is nearly impossible to fathom the fear, horror and torment that the Congolese people live with. Please watch the video and try to get involved, I am sure that the call for human rights from many voices would be a formidable weapon to end the conflict in the Congo. Life is precious, it is our duty to fight for it and to preserve it and to ensure that others at least get to experience it.
Take a minute to sign the petition here and write to your Representative to ensure that PL 109-456 fully implemented.
No man is an island, the pain in the Congo will affect us all, we are all connected through love, life and humanity.
Please at least sign the petition:
http://www.change.org/petitions/fully-implement-public-law-109-456

Letting go to hold on

Nothing happens without cosmic guidance,

The wise say that patience will uncloak purpose

The intelligent claim that purpose is what you make it

In the heart of a child, purpose is driven by curiosity

by love, by fear, by listening to our heart

The mistake is to think that we can control the outcome,

another mistake lies in not trying,

the dilemma of the soul...

Enjoy and learn from what is there in front of you

Sometimes it makes sense to swim

with the current and wait,

Sometimes it makes sense to swim against

the current if land is within sight.

Time is space, space is time,

every moment, everyone, everything,

its purpose

and meaning is dependent on the exact

timing and placement in this continuum.



Depending on timing , purpose and space

what was forbidden now

evolves to become mundane

what was accepted is now forbidden

and becomes enshrouded in mystery.

Art in time

degrades unless appreciated

and the ordinary becomes a gem...

Just being Silly

Started doodling, want to try comics, here's my first attempt!

Should one change?

Sometimes, maybe if the entire world tells you that you're crazy, the mind begins to weaken a little bit and starts to believe them, and then again therein lies the strength to be firm and realize but wait a minute I am content, and given the conditioning that has brought me here, you realize the need for the walls, introversion, unexpected extroversion and then the ultimate point in that I am simply human, and not beyond the external conditioning, but in reality who cares.? It is this conditioning process , life which we experience, five senses like antennas feeling all carrying signals back to the brain and then further beyond straight to the core, which processes and then more importantly directs its role in shaping and molding personality. What is the point in living if one had the firmness but brittleness of iron, then where is the flexibility for compassion, understanding, curiosity, but who am I to say then if one finds their niche in inflexibility? No two beings are the same...

In re-reading it seems that I just penned a series of ultimate paradoxes all incoherent which eventually instead of converging to a point, chooses to erupt and scatter giving a rather vivid picture of the chaos and extreme brutality of thought that can torment, clam, rage and sustain the mind.

I wrote this three years ago, surprisingly I find myself back at this point, no matter how the world,circumstance and society will bend and flex the personality, part of it remains the same, untouched, stubborn and deliberate.
I am who I am :)

Relationships : the very nature of water...

Was discussing with a friend, human nature and how strong relationships are and how we're related to water;
In that with human relationships we should feel attraction like hydrogen bonds because of the dipole and water's/human's polar nature :)
To feel attraction and then to feel repulsion, it is what defines humans, society and the very structure of water.
but like how water forms hydrogen bonds so too that should be our ability to form relationships, while hydrogen bonds are strong, when they break it will not destroy us as much as if our relationships were covalent, it is then that we destroy our own very nature when a loved one leaves us or dies.
but even so to think about the very nature of water, the cohesive properties of molecules to one another and then to realize that it has such a high specific heat, so much energy is needed to change state,to become volatile, but with impurities this can be lowered. In relating to human bonds how impurities in friendships like doubt, avarice, pettiness will lower the strength and destroy what is there.
So in a way to be attached, know the possibility of a bond breaking but also too look forward to new bonds forming, just like water, after all we're about 70% water anyway :)

A delicate balance between Conformity and Dissolution.

They say,the early bird will catch the worm ,however it is the second mouse
that gets the cheese.
What about the worm? Do we need to be late or early if we are the worm?
It is funny how we create and dictate standards, but the earth
rotates, its always night whenever it is day.

Thinking about the story I heard when I was little about how a foolish
boy dropped a shilling in the night and lit a twenty dollar bill to
find it.
But what if that shilling was a collectors piece, what if it was worth
nothing but to the boy it was given as a present from his late
grandfather?

Things should only have value for us based on our intrinsic relationship and
attachment with it, and not be dependent on whether or not everyone around us loves it.

What we love should be just that, what we love, and not because
everyone else loves it or thinks that we should...

Society the big churning and spinning wheel that crushes our minds and
instincts, makes it to a paste and then cannibalistic-ally feeds it
back to us so that we can all suffer form the degenerative brain
disease that forces our thinking, our deep feelings to adhere and
conform to popular thought.

When do we lose sight?
Adhering and conforming to beliefs to be the best of what? The best of
what everyone else says we should be?

We're all made up of cells working together, that antagonize one
system and then provide synergistic input to another.
Individual existence is a myth, the untainted or unaltered mind is also a myth.
Free will? or the inability to conform being born out of an intrinsic
soul purpose or programming from birth for another role?

Happy New Year!

For the oddest reasons, I kept the walls up, secluded in seclusion, it was so dark, I never even realized that light was missing!

Denying myself a passion that sustains me.


Hello Bloggers, Happy New year!

String Theory

From my grafitti :P

Divorced

In a murky dark place for the past year,
Awakened and set free.
Bound by my own mind, tormented by my own heart,seeking love from one living with too many of his own demons.

The unfulfilled heart, the saddened and unforgiving soul, can never love another, until he can love himself.

What is a man, if he can live without love...


Finally to awake fully from a nightmare and with clarity look back on the child that was married, then left alone by a man who was nothing more than a boy.

Divorced, but free. I'd rather live without the thorn, there are many other different kinds of flowers, many without thorns.

A year of questions, a year of blame, a year of pain, the only way to escape the darkness is to find the courage to walk through it, the reality to open my eyes and to stop making excuses for him.
To walk through the darkness, and overcome the fear.

Trinidad's first female Prime Minister!!!

She won by a landslide!
For a long time this little island,has waited for a change, after being ruled by a political party that pardoned terrorists, decided that a blimp was an effective tool to fight crime with, a prime minister who appointed his wife as minister of Education, yes we needed change!
A little country struggling with a ridiculous murder rate, compared to the size of the population, a prime minister who led the country into financial ruin, finally the people have risen and spoken.
A political fool, who calls an early election twice and loses twice! How was he ever elected in the first place? Then again he did fill the country with his own 'citizens'.
Finally!!! Congratulations Kamla Persaud Bissasar, our new prime minister, the country has been steered a bit off course over the past decade, this is the time to try and set the wheels of change in motion so that this tiny little island can prosper.
I cannot believe it, we have waited for this so long, It is incredible, listening to live feed from the radio, and hearing the relief and joy in the peoples' voice!

Intrinsic fulfillment

It was a discussion about why we do what we do.
In terms of jobs to simply gain an extrinsic reward.
Considering this we can think about how after repetition and familiarity begins to erode the extrinsic barrier and we find ourselves actually becoming addicted or hooked on the intrinsic rewards of skill built on practice and comfort because of predictability and familiarity of we do, or rather assume that we know how to do well.
Knowing this we crave the 'pseudo intrinsic' reward now simply because it is what we've trained ourselves to predict and want.
Almost like falling in love with your captor or learning to love the thorn in your side because you've trained yourself to live with a familiar pain or a familiar face....all based on predictability.
But then again for the restless, how or when do we know to just remove the thorn, let it bleed and run , or rather should we say race forward towards true fulfillment?

One this topic I will ask the random blogger, then why do we write and share our deepest thoughts with an unknown audience rather than communicate to those around us?
What are we seeking?

Kutumba

Walking in this flea market, this music like a siren called to me.
You must listen to this album Group: Kutumba; Album: folk roots, very beautiful instrumental Nepali music. It brings to the mind simply a calmness and feeling of harmony .
Listen here: KUTUMBA FOLK ROOTS


In purchasing the CD, it helps promote the music and artists of Nepal.

Back to school...Yippie!!!!

After a long 2 and half year break, I find myself once again feeling the apprehension , nervousness, fear and rediscovering latent procrastination that constitutes the genetic code for most students. Ah school, after all of my introspections and secret little case studies of humans and our nature I find myself back in the one place where I can always, without delay realise just how much I don't know, well at least in regards to biochemistry which I am not quite sure that I have much of a passion for knowing much about anyway. So of course to seize the opportunity to blog and lament to the world about the plight of being a student once again after realising that there was so much more to life than passing exams and then realizing that my life once again depends on passing exams, so what better time to blog about it rather than force sleeping learning eh memorizing center of brain to wake up and process some information that will be replaced by more complicated information and will be proven wrong or insignificant within my lifetime so that I can sit and realise that I had spent my entire life studying something that was just disproven (if that is even a word) or to watch with horror as everything I once knew now becomes obsolete and I find myself racing against a new generation to throw out all that is old and *UN-true* to recondition my mind to what is now true. Hey I guess this is the case with everything in life, there in nothing really that we can all universally agree with. Now to the subject at hand that has spurned this sudden burst of blog-babbling: Exams. The problem with exams are that they are blatantly pass/fail, we can argue that life itself can be pass /fail but then again that depends on who's judging, but exams are so specific, then we ask who needs them, but if one thinks about it, for the dreamer like me, without the dark imposing threat of an exam looming in the horizon, how else would I possibly be driven enough to attend lecture, stay awake or even finally rummage through backpack to find class notes and possibly learn something useful, rather than pondering till eternity redundant questions about our existence, when I can please myself investigating something tangible, like not why are we here, alive , but why is this particular poly peptide's folding and its interaction with another minuscule molecule function's important in keeping me alive to further ponder upon the question, why am I alive.
Okay I'll shut up now and study.

What thoughts will form in absolute solitude

Had written this a couple months before the wedding, now to contemplate if these were real or just specters formed from fear and cold feet, or out of simply missing Sat.

What thoughts exist, that can pull the mind slowly towards that abyss of uncertainty,

Thoughts asunder, the mind trapped in a mercurial repetition of chance , instances pulling tugging,

What makes human a man then?

Being given form and thought, this uncontrollable mind? Is this the point of realization , or the absolute downfall of sanity where one would find themselves crawling on bloodies knees but without any manner of will towards the eternal darkness of non existence and chaos.



How do we then define sadness, the only way to realize sadness is to define joy, but then for an instant looking into the mirror, wanting to be happy and seeing just the sadness? Is this the inevitable consequence of living?

Dreams disrupted, broken, what lies in falseness and what lies in truth now? Distinction has faded, and everything merges into one, how then can I know? To lack certainty! That is what corrupts the mind, because it is what we crave, but how do we know…



How do I define thought, and contrast it with feeling, to see this outpouring from my mind, to feel this sadness to visualize it as these thoughts form words, the feeling of absolute surrender to fate? To be cryptic even to myself, because I am afraid to recognize this sad being.

Compassion , altruism, even animals have this. I believe what instinctively would define man from beast would be on the very feral and carnal of thoughts, to indulge in these with consent, to experience to feel…maybe this is the ultimate defining point that distinguishes human, to appreciate the voice, to feel with the music,

Like a structure to rise above the ID, the ego then transcends to the superego, where appreciation would surmount displeasure.

How do we love? To become capable of love, but not just in surrender but in thought, binding uniting the souls to trust in this love to get through the darkness that one's mind will try to engulf them in.

I will ask myself what then is this, my mind's ability to reassure or trigger the very thoughts that define insanity. Is this because I cannot cry or rather because I refuse to? Why this? Why now? Lashing out in word because I am afraid of introspection? Or just afraid of looking back having found happiness? To realize happiness it is inevitable that the hidden suppressed memories that haunted us filled with the uttermost pangs of sadness that slowly eroded the soul, like bad rice now float and come to the very surface of the mind.

To accept this feeling understand the dual nature of joy and pain and to wait, wait wait…or either simply enjoy the game.

No blogging...
guess why?
Hint

जुस्त थिंकिंग ...

The title is supposed to be Just Thinking...
I have no clue why it converted it to that script!

Random conversation today with two people,

1. Florida is messed up

2. The whole world is messed up.

Me: You're right but while the whole world is messed up , we just need to find our comfort zone in which the chaos doesn't seem so chaotic.

For every part of the world, where we think that there is chaos and things are just too wrong, there are always individuals that it is perfect for!

Instantaneous Insignificance

Putting everything into perspective and looking at the age and magnitude of the universe, I am beginning to realize with stark clarity and maybe a bit of amusement, the reality of my own insignificance on this earth.

So what is it that we strive for that would make this instantaneous flash that we call life worth living?

Maybe passions, define human existence, without it we would possibly be kept in a trance.

There is the saying that everyone has a twin, maybe its because we are all really so similar, bound by the same restrictions in form, bonds, relationships.

Our genetic code , all of us, dictated by the same 4 nucleotides, why then do we impose the ego and look for differences or for a moment would dare to be blinded by the thought ’I am special’?
Then there is of course religions, invented to make us feel 'special', 'favored' less insignificant maybe?
And then who can forget Race.
Add in culture, separate, language barriers...my my we aren't drones, but nevertheless still fated to face an end.

Memory, life, after death, time uses its magic , you will be forgotten , or remembered if particularly spectacular or notorious, depending on the century, or era, the memory of you will switch sides, depending on what is popular opinion at that time or what new mystery was un-veiled.
Aristotle lost his position overnight,
Nothing is constant, Nothing is guaranteed, there is always someone or something that will prove you wrong...
Constantly, life reassures me of just how much I really do not know.
Life is life, experience it, observe it, live it other than that what else is there to do?

Rage

I was thinking about something this morning. Would unbridled rage be a defining characteristic of being human?
Why do we get angry?
Have you ever stopped yourself in the middle of almost getting angry to ask, wait a minute why am I getting angry?
What role does the brain play in this compared to the subconscious.
Thinking, storing, observing, bearing, until finally it will take no more?