Had written this a couple months before the wedding, now to contemplate if these were real or just specters formed from fear and cold feet, or out of simply missing Sat.
What thoughts exist, that can pull the mind slowly towards that abyss of uncertainty,
Thoughts asunder, the mind trapped in a mercurial repetition of chance , instances pulling tugging,
What makes human a man then?
Being given form and thought, this uncontrollable mind? Is this the point of realization , or the absolute downfall of sanity where one would find themselves crawling on bloodies knees but without any manner of will towards the eternal darkness of non existence and chaos.
How do we then define sadness, the only way to realize sadness is to define joy, but then for an instant looking into the mirror, wanting to be happy and seeing just the sadness? Is this the inevitable consequence of living?
Dreams disrupted, broken, what lies in falseness and what lies in truth now? Distinction has faded, and everything merges into one, how then can I know? To lack certainty! That is what corrupts the mind, because it is what we crave, but how do we know…
How do I define thought, and contrast it with feeling, to see this outpouring from my mind, to feel this sadness to visualize it as these thoughts form words, the feeling of absolute surrender to fate? To be cryptic even to myself, because I am afraid to recognize this sad being.
Compassion , altruism, even animals have this. I believe what instinctively would define man from beast would be on the very feral and carnal of thoughts, to indulge in these with consent, to experience to feel…maybe this is the ultimate defining point that distinguishes human, to appreciate the voice, to feel with the music,
Like a structure to rise above the ID, the ego then transcends to the superego, where appreciation would surmount displeasure.
How do we love? To become capable of love, but not just in surrender but in thought, binding uniting the souls to trust in this love to get through the darkness that one's mind will try to engulf them in.
I will ask myself what then is this, my mind's ability to reassure or trigger the very thoughts that define insanity. Is this because I cannot cry or rather because I refuse to? Why this? Why now? Lashing out in word because I am afraid of introspection? Or just afraid of looking back having found happiness? To realize happiness it is inevitable that the hidden suppressed memories that haunted us filled with the uttermost pangs of sadness that slowly eroded the soul, like bad rice now float and come to the very surface of the mind.
To accept this feeling understand the dual nature of joy and pain and to wait, wait wait…or either simply enjoy the game.
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